The "Expert" Speaks...

The thing about bad writing is this: as the T-shirt says, good grammar costs nothing. So does good syntax, correct word usage, and correct punctuation. I will leave for another day a discussion about whether rules are still relevant. Let us assume, for the purpose of discussion, that they are. So here are the VSL Poltroon’s rules for writing:

• Don’t say “amount” when you mean number. I can’t count the number of times I’ve read “the amount of people.”
• Don’t say “less” when you mean “fewer.” I saw a Starbucks napkin that read: “more trees, less napkins.”
• Don’t use “disinterested” when you mean “uninterested.” I know it sounds fancier, but it’s wrong.
• Don’t use “insure” when you mean “ensure.” Don’t use “assure” either. Unless there is insurance involved, use an “e.”
• “Candelabra” is plural. The singular is “candelabrum.”
• “It begs the question” does not mean “it raises the question.” If you don’t understand the expression, don’t use it.
• Don’t use “what’s more.” It’s dumb. Say “moreover.”
• Never never never never never never never use “to be sure.” Use “certainly” or “indeed.” Use anything else. DO NOT use “to be sure.”
• Don’t say “leverage” when you mean “use.”
• Never use “utilize” unless you are a scientist. It is an exact synonym for “use,” so save the earth the two syllables.
• Don’t use “is able to;” just say “can.”
• Try very hard to avoid claptrap clichés like “to say the least,” “to name a few,” “says it all,” “not to mention.”
• “However” should always begin a sentence.
• “Which” should never begin a sentence, unless it’s a question.
• Do not put a comma after “is” –“the problem is, I have no friends." Just use “that.” The problem is that I have no friends.
• Speaking of which, restore “that” to its rightful place. Consider: “I saw the people walking very quickly around the room like they’d all had too much of a very intoxicating substance mixed with some mind-debilitating drug purchased from some faraway foreign shady dealers were happy.” Now put a “that” after “saw” and see what happens.
• Don’t write long stupid sentences like that last one, even with a “that.”
• Don’t split infinitives. I know the rule is silly. I know that it’s arcane. I know that it’s not even a “rule.” I don’t give a flying f**k about that. Just don’t do it. Star Trek be damned.
• Don’t use “they” if the gender of the subject is unambiguous. “The patient must inform the nurse if they are pregnant.”
• I know that otherwise it’s difficult to avoid the use of “they” in the singular. The world today does not tolerate “he” as a universal pronoun. Too bad. Still, no excuse when you are referring to an inanimate subject. “The company must file their annual report.” Hello? (Still, don’t use “she” as a universal pronoun. If “he” doesn’t work, neither does “she.”)
• Do not drop the subject of the sentence, like I just did. In fact, I dropped the predicate too. “No excuse” should be “there is no excuse.” Unless you are me. Then you can do what you want.
• Do not use sentence fragments, like “unless you are me.”
• Unless you are me.
• Don’t use qualifiers that don’t work: “almost infinite,” “very unique.”
• Remember that “almost taller” means shorter.
• Don’t qualify the wrong word. “We offer limitless possibilities.” I wonder how many limitless possibilities they offer.
• Don’t use “infinite” when you mean many. “There are infinite possibilities.” No there are not.
• Never use “deeply” for any reason whatsoever. “He loved her very deeply.” Yuck. And he probably didn’t even.
• Never end a sentence with “even.”
• Don’t say “shocked” when you mean “surprised.” Don’t say “devastated” when you mean “disappointed.” Don’t use “slammed” when you mean “criticized.”
• Never use “that said.” Never use “going forward.”
• Don’t use “if” if you mean “whether.” “The test indicates if you are pregnant.” Whether.
• Don’t put two time-frame expressions in the same sentence. “They released their second LP two years later in 1965. “ I can do the math, both ways.
• Don’t use exclamation points ever, unless it’s within a quote.
• It’s “try to,” not “try and.” UK writers seem to think “try and” is ok. I’ve seen it across the board, from Ian Fleming to J. K. Rowling.
• “All of a sudden” can be “suddenly,” and you haven’t lost anything except three unnecessary words.
• The present tense of “lie,” as in to recline, is “lie,” not “lay.” “We were laying in bed” means something entirely different. Be careful. I bet even Bob Dylan didn’t know that he was getting it wrong (nor did he care, I’m sure).
• Don’t put “and” after a semi-colon. It may be technically correct, but it’s definitely stupid.
• The reason is “that,” not “because.” I ate because I was hungry. The reason I ate was that I was hungry.
• Don’t follow “including” with another participle.
• When you write a negative statement followed by a reason, it’s not clear whether the statement is really negative. “We didn’t implement the system because of security concerns.” Well, then, why did you implement it?
• Don’t use expressions that are absolutely completely totally meaningless, like “accused killer.”
• “You can buy margarine the colour of a sunset in Ireland.” Is the sunset in Ireland? Or is that where you can buy it?
• Why would anybody want to buy sunset coloured margarine?
• Watch out for pleonasms: “ATM machine,” “NDP Party.” Look it up.
• Watch your pronouns: “The lawyer stopped representing his client when he was deported.”

So you can learn these rules, then feel free to break them to achieve you own personal style (except for the rule about “to be sure;” no exceptions will be tolerated).

Or you could forget about them, and get a job writing for the Montreal Gazette…