How to quickly and easily leverage your word processor to effectively write about tech tasks

We tech people have our own language.

Now I’m not talking about all that esoteric terminology and all those acronyms, though we have that too. “I tried pooling my SQL connections but ODBC doesn’t allow IP tunnelling.” Or “why should I be calm when my COM component can’t access my COM port?”

No. What I’m referring to here is basic rules of English grammar, syntax, punctuation, and vocabulary. We have our own rules.

To start with, we like to use T words; in particular, we have two T words that we use over and over again: “tools” and “tasks.” We sure like to talk about tools and tasks. When we talk about doing something, we don’t say “say you have to do something;” oh no – we say “say you have to perform some task.” And software applications are not software applications – they are “tools.” Tools and tasks, tools and tasks, tools and tasks. Use this tool to perform this task. Perform this task with this tool.

A word we don’t like to use is “use.” Oh no. why use “use” when “utilize” is so much longer? So we utilize “utilize:” “Utilize this task to perform this tool.”

But really even “utilize” is for sissies. The word real developers use is “leverage.” Of course we have no idea what it really means, so we use it as a synonym for “utilize.” Good: “Leverage your knowledge of VB to learn VB.NET.”
Better: “Leverage VB.NET to build robust tools.”
Best: “You can leverage this book to perform doorstopping tasks.”

We like to create ambiguous negatives. What’s an “ambiguous negative?” “The data is not compressed in order to save processing time.” You have no idea now whether the data is compressed or not.

We scramble up meanings: “The method does not return all the data you may need.” (If you are thinking about that, it should be “The method may not return all the data you need.”)

Sometimes we feel that we have too many sentences. “However” is the word that can fix that: “This tool is not very useful, however it still does many tasks.” We mix up singular and plural: “The company can always change their policies.” We mix up indicatives and participles just by using “as well as”: “The user can change their password, as well as changing his username.”

We lie, particularly about the ease and speed of performing difficult tasks. We like to say that things are quick and that they are easy, especially when they are slow and difficult. “You can quickly create an application that will save all the world’s rainforests.” “You can easily use multicast delegates to create events that are hooked into the operating system’s kernel mode.” Right.

We like to add extra prepositions, particularly “for.” “This allows for you to work quickly and easily.”

One thing we are particularly addicted to is splitting infinitives. Now in this we are not alone. But we do it more than anyone else does, and particularly unnecessarily. “You can leverage this tool to quickly and easily generate code.” We go out of our way, in fact, to look for unnecessary adverbs, lest an infinitive be left in peace: “This allows you to visually see the results.” “This tool performs the task that can quickly and easily allow for you to properly log errors.” Thank goodness. I’m so tired of tools that log errors improperly.

I could go on, however I am certain that this has all been written before. I am not stopping now because I am lazy – no need for me to unnecessarily reinvent the wheel. I can leverage my time more effectively to perform needed tasks…

Bill 101 Revisited

When I moved to this city in 2002 I had to learn my way around the subway system, which is called the Métro, after the underground in Paris. It was only my first or second time when I heard an announcement that sounded like this:

LsrvcertrdsrllgnvrtntrlsttnngrnntlsttnHnrBgrndsrvcrsmrdxhtrtvgntmnts.

The sound system wasn't the best in the world. And the fact that the announcement was in French didn't help me at all. There was no translation into English - this wasn't the airport.

Then and there, I made up my mind to learn French.

Four months later I bought a CD called "Transparent French," part of the Complete Language series. And I went to work. I learned how to talk to policemen (je ne parle pas français) and how to answer the phone: (voici quelqu'un qui parle français meiux que moi) and even how to order food in French (avez vous un menu en Anglais?)

The CD takes a conversational approach; learn full sentences. So it tells you how to ask "l'aeroport, est-il-loin d'ici?" and I got good at saying that. So every time I hopped into a cab I could ask how far the airport was, even if I was just going home. Cab drivers began to wonder about my strange obsession with the distance to the airport.

When I realized that I actually had to figure out what the words meant, I got my hands on a library book called "French" - can't help but love the title. Here's the blurb:

A book of self-instruction in French based on the work by Sir John Adams, M A.,
LL.D., completely revised and enlarged by Norman Scarlyn Wilson, M.A.

I could not help noticing the very English name of the author, and the publishing date of 1938. Still, a book is a book. And what I like about it is the structured approach - a bit of grammar, a bit of vocabulary, a bit of grammer, a bit of vocabulary. And the exercises were ok - translate from French to English, translate from English to French. I listen to the larks, j'écoute les allouettes, I noticed the sentry, he is at the castle, j'ai rémarqué la sentinelle, elle est dans le château (in French "she" can mean "he") .

So I went out all charged up, looking everywhere for sentries and larks and castles. But first person I encountered was a snot-nosed kid who looks at me and asks "tu alors?" Now what the heck is that supposed to mean? Doesn't make sense. He points to his wrist. It hits me. "Tu as l'heure?" Oh. Quinze et demi. 3:30. It's actually a quarter past noon. But in the book the exercise was quinze et demi. So anyone asks me the time, it's 3:30.

There was another problem. Other people wanted to borrow the book.

Back to the library it went. Later I found my own copy on Ebay. You can find anything on Ebay.
Finally in the spring of '06 I took the bull by the horns and signed up for a course at Concordia University. It's a 6 level course called Communication Oral. They put me in at level 2. I spent 4 hours every morning for 2 weeks in July 2006, speaking, listening to, reading, and writing French. The emphasis was on talking and listening. It was great fun. We did present, and passé compose. We did vocabulary - clothing, directions, weather. (neige = snow). How many different ways can you ask for coffee - puis-je avoir de café (can I have some coffee), je voudrais un tasse de café (I would like a cup of coffee).

"David can you come up with a suggestion?"

" Sure. Oubliez le café. Donnez moi une bière."

I took level 3 in the fall of '06 but I did it in the evening. Every Tuesday and Thursday from 6 till 9, for 10 weeks. I felt a bit over my head by the end (in fact by the beginning). But I hung in there.

Now I think about continuing. I think about studying at home. I think about getting someone from among my circle of acquaintances to sit with me for an hour a week and talk to me in French (heaven knows I know enough French speaking people).

But I think that little by little the fog is lifting. I was in the Métro last week, and I heard this:
Le service est retardé sur le ligne vert, entre la station angrnion et la station Honore-Beaugrand. Le service vas récommencer à dix-huit heures et vingt minutes.

It wasn't just the improvement in the sound system. Someone turned to me and said, did she say "LsrvcertrdsrllgnvrtntrlsttnngrnntlsttnHnrBgrndsrvcrsmrdxhtrtvgntmnts?"

Ventures In Cardboard

My favourite record cover of all time belongs to a 1967 Ventures album called $1,000,000.00 Weekend. The picture shows an enraptured woman listening to what looks like a slightly clunky white cell phone. It would have to have been a picture from the future, given that cell phones, as we now know them, didn't become widely available until almost 30 years later. Of course what she's listening to is a transistor radio - your grandparents' iPod; she doesn't even have an earphone.

I'm not sure what the appeal is; perhaps it's the time capsule aspect, without all the obvious psychedelic trappings, perhaps it's just her mascara.

I have a collection of Ventures albums - not everything they did, but most of their releases from 1960 until 1970. I don't know why, but the group fascinates me. Unlike so many instrumental groups of that era, they were a real group, with real members, with names. Ask me and I'll tell you - Bob Bogle, Nokie Edwards, Don Wilson, and Mel Taylor - that was the classic lineup, although Howie Johnson played drums on "Walk Don't Run". They put out albums with themes - country songs, surfing songs, songs to twist by, songs with colours in the title. Later they got into a kind of faux psychedelia, which sometimes sounds perilously close to the real thing.

It just fascinates me, that's all. I wonder what they were thinking when they recorded Ventures A Go Go in 1965, or Swamp Rock in 1969. What made them, in 1966, record an album of TV themes, with only three TV themes on it? I keep checking Amazon, but no luck. A "Story of the Ventures, as told by…" is long overdue.

And the covers - the covers are priceless. I've actually considered ditching the LPs and just keeping the covers. My favourites, apart from the one mentioned, are: (The) Ventures In Space showing a couple parked in an old roadster, overlooking the city down below at twilight, Golden Greats, showing a girl in a bikini, with way more weight on her midriff then would be allowed in today's anorexic world, The Ventures Play The Greatest Surfin' Hits Of All-Time, a later LP with a bikini clad model with not an ounce of fat within a hundred miles.

Musically they were too genuine for the supermarket budget rack, but not genuine enough for Rolling Stone. Judging by what's in the grooves, they were good axemen, but nobody puts Bob Bogle in the same category as Randy Bachman. They are barely a footnote in the history of rock music, notwithstanding the timeless appeal of "Walk Don't Run", the immortal bass run on "Slaughter On Tenth Avenue", the preternatural grunge of "Needles And Pins".

And after about 1970, they went from being a footnote to a footnote to a footnote.

And this notwithstanding the fact that the group is still around, with Wilson, Edwards and Bogle still on board. Drummer Mel Taylor died in 1996, and his son Leon is now playing in the band. And of course they have a web site.

But you can't judge a book by its cover, nor can you judge a Ventures album by the model on the front. Everyone has his favourites and so do I. I am partial to The Fabulous Ventures, if for no other reason than that it has the aforementioned cover of "Needles And Pins", which I always thought would be a great theme for an oldies radio show. There are a couple of others that I especially get into, but my least favourite is $1,000,000.00 Weekend; the album is a collection of instrumental versions of popular hits of the day, like others they did, but this one is just kind of lifeless. Maybe the radio needed batteries…